i am going in circles here.
i was okay.
i was already okay until you started talking to me again.
i acted cool.
like everything is fine.
of course everything is fine.
but it got back to when what i always did was think of you.
and i feel so sorry for myself.
i feel broken again.
it is just so unfair.
but what hurts me most is that i don't have anyone to blame.
i let myself get on with the feelings.
feelings that i so knew from the very start that would crush me into pieces and it did.
down to the littlest.
it has been four years now.
that's too long for me.
too long for my former self to get over something, someone, anything!
i can't believe it.
it has been four years and realized that here i am.
still pining for you.
time flies yet am stuck.
i am typing this while taking glances to the beautiful moon rising.
and of course - as usual, my kind of normal - i got swarmed by the many memories with you.
my eyes are swelling.
you are in the moonrise, in the moonlight, in the moonset.
i closed the notes app and thought of calling to tell you that the full moon is rising beautifully despite the hindrance of huge cable towers, gracing the deserted horizon.
and i rang a friend but hanged up immediately decided not to talk to anyone.
i wiped the tears from my cheeks, my eyes were still burning and good thing i got my sunglasses on.
he called back.
as he always does.
i was so glad he called back.
i was so glad i get to share that beautiful feeling every time i watch the moon rise.
i was so glad he didn't notice that i was suppressing the sniffs from my clogged nose.
i was so glad he was unaware of my unusual pitch and my cracked voice.
i feigned happiness by laughing so hard on every quip.
my chest was heaving.
my eyes were burning.
as you said.
"that one's difficult to replace"
i miss you.
i love you to bits.
and goodbye to all i have for you.